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If companies used our software they wouldn't have to worry about cutting jobs, they would just have a higher than average suicide rate.


Mike: I'm off to deliver presents.
Mike: It's surprisingly hard to wrap cuddly toys.
Mike: Their legs get in the way.


Talking to a former colleague:

A: Who was that guy who worked there before me?
N: There were loads of people. Can you narrow it down?
A: Was his name Dom?
N: I don't recall anyone called Dom. Were they known for anything in particular?
A: He used to do loads of stuff with XML?
N: Err? You aren't thinking of the Document Object Model are you?
A: One mo


A: Yeah, this code looks very familiar
A: I've just looked him up on google.
A: This code looks exactly like his stuff.



Colleague: I may be entirely wrong in saying something with the knowledge of not knowing everything what's going around in the team.


<~Conquistadore> sh-4.0$ touch /tits
<~Conquistadore> touch: cannot touch `/tits': Permission denied
<~Conquistadore> :(


R: I'm thinking of applying to be a obstrician or gynaecologist
R: Fuck all qualifications but I'll have a bloody good look
J: hehe, that would be a terrible job
J: looking at grannies bum holes all day long
R: Kinda like being a sales director having to deal with arse holes that don't work properly


James: The oil leaking from the transfer box, is that anything to be worried about?
Mechanic: Oh no, sir, we don't call that an oil leak, we call that the Land Rover anti rust and corrosion protection mechanism, nothing to worry about


Rog: I'm an expectations realignment specialist!


Sam: Previous developers were weapons-grade retards


Sam: Stairlifts?
Sam: Those things drive me up the fucking wall!